Hi everyone, I am trying to change from my lack of communication and involvement with the family previously, so I thought I'd share something from yesterday. Even though my current circumstances make it difficult for me to feel spiritual, I was able to recognize the Lord reaching out to me at church yesterday.
During Sunday School, my bishop (who I meet with once a month) asked to speak with me and mentioned he felt impressed to have a discussion. After asking how things are going, he proceeded to ask me if I was aware that my temple recommend expired at the end of July. I told him that I was, in fact, aware of that, and that I had intended to allow it to lapse due to my inner struggle between the divorce and the messages of the temple. I figured that once I felt ready to return to the temple, that I would then renew my recommend, because, why would one need a recommend if they were not attending the temple?
Seeing that I mistakenly viewed the recommend as a simple piece of paper, my bishop began to explain that holding a temple recommend is our way of utilizing faith; our way of putting an action to our testament that we feel we are doing what the Lord asks of us, even in the most difficult of times. Obtaining the temple recommend is our opportunity to look the Lord's representative, and thereby the Lord himself, in the eye and claim I believe in Him, and I strive to follow Him.
Of course, I knew in my mind that is what the recommend signifies, but I realized through the Spirit warming my heart that I had not truly understood. As he spoke, I felt the Spirit very strongly and his point was made very clear in my mind. Throughout this divorce, and through the years prior, I have dreaded the thought of one day standing before my Lord and answering the question "Did you do all you could to save your marriage?" How does one even BEGIN to know the answer to that question?? How can someone buried in the dirt of life look upon themselves and tell where the dirt ends and the body begins? The Lord answered my question yesterday.
While I am still no where near being to a point that I will attend the temple, and I still feel I am struggling to shake off the wretched dirt, I now feel I understand what I need in order to heal. I doubt it was coincidence that a member of the Stake presidency was attending our Ward yesterday, so I was able to renew my temple recommend that same day.
Struggling to have faith in the Lord for my and my children's future is proving as difficult as the struggle with the divorce. But, as I look forward, I feel like I am beginning to see how to strengthen my family and see the Lord's hand and love for us.
7 comments :
Wow Mark, that was so powerful. Thank you for sharing that with us! - Gwen and Scott
With tears in my eyes I thank my Heavenly Father for your bishop and his heeding the Spirit. And I know you will not only survive this very trying time, but will become stronger.
(And my children are such excellent writers! I wish I could express myself as beautifully. You have a gift, Mark.)
Thank you for sharing, Mark!! What a wonderful and inspired Bishop :D Sometimes we just need those little moments for the Spirit to break through the dirt of life and remind us that Heavenly Father is acutely aware of us and our circumstances, and is ready to provide His comfort when we are willing to access the Atonement and trust He'll be right there waiting for us. I had such a hard time attending the temple when I was going through all my HPV medical stuff; the promises in the initiatory seemed too tenuous, and the part about the law of chastity in the session always sent me into a tailspin. My temple dress could not hold enough Kleenex to get me through it. It was too hard at the time. But there were moments I was acutely aware that Heavenly Father was aware of me, and those moments would break through the clouds of depression at just the moments I needed them most. I wish I had written about those moments at those times. So this is wonderful that you now have this record of this miracle, this little calm amidst the storm. I love you, Mark!! And someday you'll look forward to the temple again-- I got back to loving it eventually, and know you can, too. And I don't think you'll be asked if you did all you could to save your marriage; He who created us all knows us so completely. I think instead you'll be asked, "Did you do all you could to follow my promptings and guidance, even in the hardest periods of your life?" And I think you'll be able to answer yes to that one!
We love you brother, thank you for sharing this with us. I am so grateful that your Bishop felt inspired to speak with you about this, even more though I am so proud to call you brother. Even in this hard time for you and your family your faith is carrying you and for that I am grateful. You are one of kind Mark, we know it, your father in heaven knows it and we all love you sooo much!
We love you Mark and appreciate you sharing during this difficult time. It helps me to feel closer to you. Love you!
Thank you for posting this, Mark. I understand your comment about "How can someone buried in the dirt of life look upon themselves and tell where the dirt ends and the body begins?"- and the difficulty you have feeling worthy while going through all this.
Please, Mark, I have a testimony that as dirty as we feel, our Savior wants nothing more than to run to us to embrace us, dirt and all. We are all sinners, we are all struggling to overcome the Natural man. If we have to be 100% clean in order to deserve His love, none of us would ever have it. It is the Adversary who wishes for our dirt to keep us from feeling our Savior's infinite love for us, because he knows if he can get us immobilized by guilt and shame, we will have a harder time allowing the cleansing power of the Atonement to do its job. You can be healed. We all can be healed by our big brother's infinite sacrifice for us. He loves us despite the dirt, because He knows how powerful love is in influencing positive change. As we feel his love, truly feel our infinite worth, we wash the dirt off ourselves, the dirt falls away, and we become clean through His Atonement. Guilt and shame have their place in the repentance process, "Godly Sorrow", as we learned in Seminary and in our Church lessons, is meant to wake us up to our awful situation, then lead us to the cleansing gate of the hot shower of repentance. We are not meant to wallow in that pain and grief indefinitely, the Atonement not only allows the full forgiveness of our sins, but has the miraculous promise that God will remember our sins no more.
I love you, Mark. My heart breaks for you, while our trials may be different, I know that ALL trials, fears, hardships, and pain have been personally experienced by Jesus Christ. He knows how to heal us, and I know you will be healed. Forgiving ourselves is almost always more difficult than forgiving others, please learn to love yourself, Mark. We, your family love you, our Heavenly Father loves you, our Savior loves you, we are not all crazy! You are loved because you are lovable! Your worth in the sight of God is incomprehensible to our mortal minds. Let His love drive out the pain, just as light and darkness can't both exist in the same place at the same time, love and suffering can't exist simultaneously either.
Love you, Mark!
I agree that sharing helps us feel more apart of each others lives and I feel like I am helping as I pray and fast for you and your children.
Love you, Magi
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